| | This year has been a rough one. but in the midst of pain, I have never more experienced the love of God. He has loved me all along, I know. He has shown he loved me by giving me friends in Spokane and by having the most incredible, life-altering year of my life. He loved me in college by giving me a youth group to teach and help mature and by providing me with biblical education that will last much longer than the lamination on my degree. After school he gave me a church to help grow me and mature me in the gospel. He's allowed me to keep the same 4 best friends over the past 15 years without much effort or hurt. He's given me my dream to go to Australia and serve and he always provided jobs for me. In all these things he's shown he's loved me.
But this year is different. Mandy was stolen from me (and from a lot of people I love) this year. I miss going to her house every Friday or Saturday. I miss the way she just listened and sided with me.The other day I almost called her. Can you believe it? She has been gone for over 4 months, but she wiggled her way into my heart so deeply that for certain events or thoughts, she just seems fitting to call. How much I miss her catches me off guard. Perhaps my feelings for her are better left to the pages of my personal journal. But in this, God is so good. Oh little battered heart, where on earth did you muster up the courage to say that? Ah, but the grace of God.
Then there is Ben and the Paney's. Andy Paney is one of those four people I've been best friends with for more than half my life. I know we have always been good, no great, friends, but over the last two years especially, we have grown closer. Andy is someone I love even more than my brothers. As far as I'm concerned, he's family. So to see him have to go through with his brother Ben, what I went through with my mom 10 years ago, TEARS ME UP. I want to vomit. I want to help Andy, but I know I can't fully. The only thing that would really help is to bring Ben back. But I can't do that. But in all this, God is so good.
I think, because God has shown me his goodness in the past, I can know it today. I wanted God to show it to me again, concretely, in human form or in a way of fleshly comfort as he did int he past. But, God has said, "I must be enough for you right now. Not my gifts or my people, but me." And you know what? It is so much better than I dreamed. He is so sufficient. He is so much love. He is the one oiling my heart, massaging out the kinks, filling in the holes with himself and stitching the tears that I have tried to heal. He's purging the junk, and instead of filling it with stone or flesh, he's filling it with his promises. I read Zechariah 9 today and wept. He loves us. He really, really loves us.
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| | Posted 9/11/2008 11:19 AM - 20 Views - 4 eProps - 1 Comment
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